It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
the condom got lost in my hair
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
