You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
soo... how was my night?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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