I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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