I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
