On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
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