i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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