this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
