i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
