Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
