I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
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