i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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