You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Holy sore nipples Batman
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
