There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My vagina just recognized that song.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
