man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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