so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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