Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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