Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
