Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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