you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I AM VODKA MAN
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
