Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
