I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
