my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
