why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize