Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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