Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
