Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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