I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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