You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Randomize
