i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
