If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My cat gives me a boner
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
