mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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