Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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