I only kidnapped one of them. chill
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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