I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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