yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
