Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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