when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
