So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
