either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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