I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
