my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
