My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
