You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
