Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
