I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We were destined to go to rehab together
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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