I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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