I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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