onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I need mimosas to revive my soul
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
