I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
