My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
