the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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