He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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