Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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