he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
