my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I have fence marks all over my body
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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