Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
