My friends, they love my intelligence
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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