Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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