I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
