Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
