I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
