I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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