You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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