So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
