So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
