im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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