whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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