I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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