The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
