If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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