i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
